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Breaking My Silence

It took me nearly 2 hours for my hip pain to subside enough to where I can walk beyond a slow shuffle. I have mostly good days but on those bad mornings like today, the pain is excruciating. I have scoliosis. It's one of the invisible diseases/conditions. My back is like a twisted snake, from the back and from the side. Many people with this condition are twisted into a permanent lean and often where those funky (and ugly) platform shoes on one foot. Surgery on my back is not a gamble I'm willing to make. So many mornings I spend an average of 2 hours with only the therapy of
heat on my stiff hips and my faithful companion, Walter to get to the point of being able to function like the rest of the working world. I'm one of the lucky ones I know. I work from home, so I have the luxury of a flexible schedule.

The pain is always worse in the morning, as a result, I stay up late at night doing what I can't in the daytime. As I write this, I am not medically insured. My physician has given me a muscle relaxer, but I seldom take it. It's slow to work and not that effective. I cope with heat and yoga. I've lost a bit of weight, which also helps, but have missed the last 4 or 5 days of yoga. Yesterday, worked out, which is probably the reason I'm in such pain today.

I'm a small business owner, without health insurance and am pro-medical marijuana. I don't get high or drink more than 2 or 3 drinks a week. There's no point in complaining, because I live alone and the dog gets upset if I do. My husband is living 2900+miles away working his ass off trying to get our new automotive repair business off the ground. He and I both are making big sacrifices. Besides the long distance between us, he is living meagerly in a small furnished apartment while I cut corners and try to keep us from spending all our retirement in the process.

I have a 24-year-old daughter in prison sentenced for injuring 2 people while she was intoxicated and driving. She is an addict in recovery. I believe in prison sentencing reform. Before you jump to conclusions, I want you to know: I believe she should have went to prison. But I believe that she should have went immediately after her physical recovery from the accident and that she should have served a mandatory 1 year term. Instead, she received a SIS with probation for 5 years. She broke her probation 2 years later, the court revoked it and she was sentenced to the full 5 years. The parole board in the state of Missouri amended her sentence her to 2.5 years with the remaining 2.5 served on parole. I have learned a LOT about the correctional system in the last 4 years, an education I wished I could have passed on. She's getting out in a few months, but she will be paying for her addiction and bad judgement for the rest of her life. Do I believe that's fair? You bet I do! She had a fiery crash that rolled the car she was driving. Both the driver of the car she hit was injured as well as her passenger. I am not or ever have been happy that my daughter was hurt, I am only thankful that she was hurt more than the others and of course, that she survived. My daughter was medi-flighted out from the scene and there were 4 attempts to revive her. God has a plan for her and spared her life 4 years ago. She suffered multiple fractures in her right hip and a broken and distorted collar bone. Doctors decided not to do surgery on her hip, but performed radical surgery on her shoulder/collar bone that required a lot of metal and screws. The scars are ugly and scary, but not as scary as a tombstone with your child's name on it. She also suffered a broken nose and multiple lacerations requiring stitches and resulting in more scars. She was confined to a wheelchair for 4 months (she couldn't walk), she suffered hysterical or stress-induced blindness, underwent a lot of physical therapy and I myself had a heart attack four months after the accident. I have also suffered and was treated for depression for awhile.

 I am a Christian. Not the fundamentalist kind, I am a Follower of Jesus and his teachings from the New Testament. I believe in helping the poor, daily and consistent prayer: praying not just for my family, but for my enemies, others that are suffering, and people I don't even know. I believe in asking for forgiveness when I screw up, and asking that I learn from those screw ups so that I don't repeat them. I also don't believe in judging or at least public condemnation. That's God's job. Many of you that are reading this have been in my prayers, some of those prayers have been answered and some have not, but I'm still praying for you my friends and strangers. 

This is the longest post and most I've written about my personal life since I was in school. I can't say why today is the day I chose to do it. But, I think it's because I've healed a lot and even though a lot of this is my child's story, it's my story and my family's story too. I needed to tell it. You needed to read it. You needed to understand where I was coming from. I try not to post a lot of political and social crap on social media, but when I do, I think you deserve to know "The Why".

Blessings,
Joanne

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Dear Dark Diary, (Gremlins... Cont.)

Dear Diary,


Something's not right. I'm sure I forgot a significant detail. 
I cleaned the trunk. With bleach. 
The hammer went out in today's trash pickup.
The shovel is 20-some odd miles in a deep creek...The shovel! I forgot to wipe and sand it down!
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