The Tangential: I Hate Greeting Cards

These are my thoughts on greeting cards, largely spurred by Becky Lang over at thetangential:

Give it a read:

My family has learned to expect the bitter disappointment of not receiving a greeting card from me at every holiday/ birthday/ major life event. But they know it’s against the fiber of my most basic beliefs Here’s why:1. Their name doesn’t even make sense.I wanted to say “I hate cards,” but...
My thoughts:
I wouldn't say "I hate cards" as much as I hate card companies. I have been conducting my own private protest against the iconic Hallmark empire for quite some time. It started about 8 years ago, when I applied for a position as a writer for Hellmark. You wouldn't believe ALL the crap you have to do just to "apply" with the Good Folks at HM. For starters if memory serves me, the application was about 100 pages long. (I exaggerate, more like 20- but if felt like 100). Buried in this Novella of an application were various and totally unrelated 'exercises'.
For example: "We (at Hellmark) have a marketing department that contracts to various corporations. One of our customers is a commercial airline. Design an ad campaign for an airline detailing a frequent flyer program and how you would market it." OK, for starters- almost ALL of the airlines have a 'frequent flyer' program, and they pretty much ALL work the same (fly more, get more 'free' credits/miles/flights, etc.) So this little exercise was for what? The only way to 'improve or be more original would be to GIVE away FREE flights for no reason whatsoever! All I wanted to do was write Shoebox cards! Geez. Buried deep inside me is a sitcom writer that would have been perfectly content writing one-liner Shoebox cards till the ripe old age of 60-something. But did they ask for "humor" examples? NO. It was all sappy, lovey, I'm-so-lost-without-you-in-my-lifewriting scenarios. Really. The ridiculous exercises were zapping all the frigging fun out of applying for this job AND I could care less about your damn Marketing Department. Was this an application OR was it really just a sneaky way to steal fresh ideas without actually paying anyone to think them up?
If that wasn't bad enough, you had to turn in a BAP (big ass portfolio), PowerPoint presentation, video of you begging for the job -in 3 minutes or less, a Story Board of some sort (the content escapes me now), and artwork. HellO! I'm applying for Writer, I believe you hire Artists for artwork. Anyway...I'm sure the only REAL reason I didn't get the job was because I am not that kind of artist OR that they did not see the "quality" and appreciate the passion in my 7-year-old's butterfly and flowers coloring page I sent in with the rest of my portfolio. Hmmph. Their loss.
btw: I did take a position with a new 'card company', mine. I designed my own logo and proudly display it on the back of all of my original works. The Cracked Crown company.


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